Fourside Post
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Montoli Support Fades as Crime Spree Spreads
Fourside Mayor, Geldegarde Montoli, rejected criticisms that his administration has aided and abetted the criminal elements in the city. "It's simply preposterous," blustered the mayor. "Under my leadership, there has been an increase in public awareness of crimes, that's all. We've brought crime out of the back alleys and into the daylight where it belongs." Critics maintain that Montoli operates numerous illegitimate businesses from his office tower.
Rare Statue of Pure Evil Reported Missing
A rare golden statue said to be the embodiment of concentrated evil was reportedly lost in Fourside. Experts believe that the statue may cause unusual phenomena. "We may experience a reversal of normal events," explains Dr. Hildebrand Pell. "Pigs may fly. It should be quite exciting." The ancient statue of Mani Mani was last seen in the possession of Mayor Montoli.
The Grand Grande Opens to Fevered Shoppers!
Fourside's premier shopping emporium reopens its doors today amid speculation that the interior lighting is susceptible to blackouts. Department managers throughout the four-story monument to consumerism in downtown Fourside commented that they expect record-setting crowds.
Twoson Thief Finds Dead End Alley
Convicted thief Al Everdred from Twoson was discovered battered in the alley beside Jackie's Cafe. One witness reported that the man was woozy yet rude. "He called Mayor Montoli a thief," reported Ms. T. Owsen. "Can you imagine?"
Dinosaurs Reported in Mysterious East
The local Dinosaur Museum has reportedly received "fresh" dinosaur bones delivered from the Scaraba area. Proof of this was obtained when the curator opened a new restaurant that served ribs measuring 12 feet in length.
U.F.O. Spotted Over Fourside
Dozens of citizens reported seeing an unidentified flying object in the skies over Fourside. According to some witnesses, the round flying saucer-shaped vehicle wobbled across the sky as if it was attached to a wire. "It looked like one of them movie spaceships," said eyewitness Mr. T. Munson. Others reported seeing a weather balloon, swamp gas, or a duck.
Complaints Mount Over Butterfingered Couriers
Continuing complaints aimed at Escargo Express, Inc. may lead to a generalized boycott of the specialized delivery firm. Courier Don Yawn was indifferent to the accusations of his gratuitous carelessness. "So I dropped a priceless package down a gopher hole. Hey, they should've insured it."
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